Thoughts

Oh How I WONDER If
My desires well ever be fully controlled. I see him,  and desire wyd at he represents.   My memories are the deep pleasures fulfilled time and time again.   I don't have regrets or curiosity anymore from him.  Just wonder if my desire will ever be over or if it's mutual.  I met hid eyes as he looks when I do but I don't push any envelopes as to where to go with those eyes. 

I wonder if the last time was the last time or if the next time if the last time.  Or if just time will clear out my concern wholly.   I spend little but enough time with him on my mind.   Not lusting just wondering about him.   Going to have to give myself a new project with healthy thoughts as Smokey just isn't so.

Worse than A Brokenheart

Is broken trust.  I watched with my eyes his wanting but decision being made to no longer trust me.  If these were my confessions, I can't blame him nor would I blame me.  I reminded him that he told me first to go find what I wanted regardless of how many times I told him he was it.  Only to come back ... would it be different?  Would he believe he is enough?  I can't change anything that was.. nor can I say what will be.  I can only admit that I am me.

I am told I am beautiful,  sexy.  I know I am intelligent.  I have been told that I am crazy.  That's true.  I am better happy as unhappy I am unstable in relationships. I don't do well with the word no.  Like if I want it, the answer should always be yes unless it hurts me. I love hard, I can care less, and I am sure to leave you without a dull moment. I make mistakes and I forgive you for yours. Just don't treat my heart like a mistake and misuse it.  I am intelligent but dangerous because I choose then face the consequences but I choose me first regardless whom is affected.  Might call me selfish but I call me sure. 

I didn't mean to hurt him I was just tired of him neglecting and hurting me.  I see there are worse things than falling away from love there are the falling so deep in tormoil that you refuse to come out refuse to trust unharden your heart. Trust is the foundation of everything.   Admitting now that it's gone, it's gone.   That means unless it is regained nothing can be gained. 

Time,is what we don't have.

The Mood

I'm in a mood tonight. Can't quite put my fingers on it for I don't understand it right.  I think it's for God to help me find my way back.  I am lost and making choices that are not to my benefit dealing with emotions that are not explainable to my heart and entering a world that I just don't understand.  I'm in the mood to ask God to forgive me.  For my pride anger and doubt o f Him protecting me.  I feel the pain perhaps my surgery or the anxiety now that I realize I am far from free. 

The essence of my being revolves around peace but the strength comes from me able to fly and flap my wings. Hold me Lord please heal me too.  There is so much going on inside me father sp much I don't know what to do.  Hold me Lord I need you right now.  Please Father I Don't Want To FAIL You now.  My aches my pains all are because of your preparation of me for something beyond me I believe.   It hurts Lord.

Falling was Easy

I realize I'm not angry.  I am hurrying to get past the pain.  It's not working because I'm not committed to letting go.   The anticipating of the events where we are all, gives me anxiety.  Maybe it's control that I'm Lakin but inside I feel my pride heavy any cracking. 

Not even my prayers are loud enough for me to say clearly. I just hope that the Lord is carrying me.  It's my time that has been waisted because of the lack of love the lack of respect...
 
I must admit that I miss you.  Big gap without you.

He asked Me

What is it he see in my eyes? He said it was pain emotional that he could see.  He said it was hurt that he could see and wanted to know what was going on with me.  I didn't know what to say as my heart could only cry, I wanted to say I miss you and feel I am no longer on one accord.  I miss you and the time in our hearts that we shared. It was like I was holding  conversation with my soul as it spoke in the mirror.  I haven't had the fun you've hi have not laughed the way I use to.  I have not felt the freedom I once felt nor the laughter my soul felt.   The games were always fun when played together the stars were always burning brighter.   Even the traffic flowed by faster. 

Makes me wonder how will I know when it is real when this time around i was sure it was time.  I was sure It was me that would finally be with the one I wanted him wanting me the same.  We sat and we talked for quite a  while.  Caught up on old times what's new and the same in our lives.  It was the words unspoken that spoke the loudest the parts that were heard.  You did not tell me she was with you last night you didn't tell me you had no intention of protecting my heart from your non rights.  You didn't tell me that you missed me too or that things between us would one day be like they use to.  You didn't tell me we make love again as before.

Not so much as the love in the bedroom on the couch or table. At the beach on the pew or movie theater.  Not the floor the carpet the hotel the shore.  It was the love we made in our actions in our words in our dates.  I could make love by holding your eyes holding your smile you shared your time you shared your soul.you looked to me for the choices to be made.  You looked to me to get you through the days.  I miss that love we made.  I miss those nights we shared.  I miss the times in our selves that no one else shares.  We had eachother.

He asked me what was it that he sees in my eyes I couldn't tell him it was the hurt of not having him with me.  I couldn't tell him I didn't know how to get over him I didn't tell him things just aren't the same because there is no him ND me.

Maybe It's Me

I wanted to ask him why he chose me.  I wanted to know how I made it so easy.   Was it my smile? Did I stare too long?  Was it my eyes ? Did they linger an invite him in?  Where is it in my heart that Said it was okay to share?  I am not sure how but I want to know.  In hopes I don't do it anymore. 

I want to look the other way.  I want to frown instead of smile.  Even ignore the eye contact in hopes the message is made clear.   I am not interested in pain.  Nor am I wanting to go through any of this again.   I don't want to chance my own heart to be broken.  I don't to give it way again to someone who do not want to be used, nor do I want to grant permission for someone to think it's okay open season on someone like me.

Whatever that means.  

I want to ask him but my words do not come when he Is right in front of me.  I almost think I am pitiful as I feel a false since of peace from his presence. 

Apparently

I want him to be in an active relationship with Christ.   Active in worship.  Active in service.   Active in soul searching and leading the family to Him.  I want him to love me . Not in a cute way b u t a relationship that Christ is pleased with and uses us to uplift and direct others.   I want him to be in tuned with me.  He ale to feel my pain and I his.  Our missing one another to be real.  I don't want to desire other friends because I have my mate my lover my husband and friend.  Although the times will come where I wish to laugh with the gir l so I can rest assured because I have him to return home to.  Uplifting one another in all our activities.  

I don't want it to be a illusion how I feel for you.  I want the reality to be just that it's real the life we live and encouraging through experience.   I want him to date me. Take me  v out bowling movies dinner skating ND dancing.   I want him to feel like it's only us in the room .  I want us to worship as on2. Eager to attend service to serve eagerly.   I want our children to be embraced and loved so much you can't question what life ws like before him. 

I want him to be able to strong communication,  excellent presence when he steps in the room.   I want him to love me not fight me. I want to be Made a big deal of.   always. My birthday.  Holidays conscious of me and my desires to please.  I want us to pry together and apart as God is the true trinity.   Belt of truth, brestplAte of righteousness. Stand for one Lord, Church, One. I  want that.

Part 1

Let the Time Rest

I do tire of watching my trust violated.  The goal is to do better rather than get better.  I notice I pity those with so much pain they only know to inflict on others.  So much destruction so much ache to destroy and so blind to see what they do. 

Then it is those too weak to deal.  They look for an outlet in others pain.  They don't want to know the truth. 

In Public

I have gotten so use to my private life,  I realize I don't know what public feels like.

Brown Eyes

I wish I didn't love those eyes.  Then I wouldn't avoid them to resist from crying.  If you understand the love the peace all I wanted for you. I can't believe how easy it was to fall when I told myself time again that it wouldn't be me falling and living in a nightmare. But Lord knows that I am in the middle of the battle of my life.  My life is dramatic bug my heart is speaking so much truth.  I have prayed I gave my all I want to give more but i am smart enough to stop when it isn't reciprocated.

The Transition

The transition from his wife to be to his mistress to th level where i dont see him at all is not working the best for my heart although my inside is doing well.  he hugged me and it felt like he put a little extra strengthin it as he held on while i pulled back  .  almost as if he just doesnt understand that the mear touch makes me want to cry .  sigh.  love is such a lie.  it gives such a false since of security . for once just once it would have been nice had the love been about me.  just me.