Off the map

Slowly I see me, not being market able.

Trust and Believe

Im my worst nightmare.  I create new ways to be in dispair.  Not just mine but theirs instead of living like the peace linguing everywhere.  Breaking out seems impossible but wont be. Instead ways will be opened as God intended it to be.

I MISS YOU

I miss you more as the holidays draw nearer.  Im not sure if its your voice or maybe your smile but its you.  I miss planning and plotting to see who can out gift the other. I miss all the laughter and surprised faces too. Now i feel like a part of me is missing as more years pass and i am trying to move forward.  Gosh,
I
Miss
You.
I thought for sure wed be happier together.  I didnt ask for much...did i ? As long as you love me...was my real demand.  Not every song reminds me of you so i am getting better.  But some songs...just do. 

I
Miss
You.
I want to be happy for you.  I want to i do. But that want isnt in my will...leaving a lie.  I cant be true to me by being honest saying i want what was mine for you with someone else.  

My heart is broken.  Still.  I Miss You. I still do. 

The Climax

This has reached its climax my heart cant take anymore
Im screaming and clawing unable to swim to shore
Is it our past? Hasit been too much?  Did you harden your heart and not b able to move completly forward?
I cant sleep this way I cant breathe this way. Im suffocating and i am in open oxygen state

How to Leave

Sometimes i admit, that its all a lie. The image seems so real.  I break down and cry because its what i want, half. Searching for excuses t accept the half truths i am on an internal battle.  I make excuses to why this works but never can i rationate all the hurt.

I think that for the best future you must learn from and make changes to the mistakes of your past.  What to say if we go on and on reflecting the aches, reliving the whys and questioning the hows? Im all confused.  Another excuse. Im not confused. I know what to do.  Leave. 

But how?

Inner War

I'm trying to find that place where peace lives after all the war inside. How the hell do I get pass the pain that refuses to subside? Titanic would have been easy for meto digest if I had known. Id never get pass the heart unrested

I hate it I love it I wish it would go away or at last free me from my own heartbreak
The blood onthe carpet the stains on my hands shed in peace without any understanding

I can't calm the scars the stroms refuseto settle how the hell did u make these choices and expect me to be settled? Anger I'm praying so much for it to go away but only fear it will harden with time regardless of places

Where do I go? Where should I move?  The emotions unbearable now will follow me too

This war never ends this war this war there are so many casualties I see in the future no one to trust to help me find my way back the one I did betrayed me in fact

War its internal I guess nothing helps I can't get past this

Somebody pray for me

When

I don't even know when I'm just aware, I'm in it could be to much it might not be enough but its nice for once to not feel untouched

How did i get to this moment?

Realizing all the love I want to share is not being received by someone in return? How could I go from many wanting to love me to no one loving me?

Unmistakable

Heart break.  Trying to go from the last to the next. My air is not visble only the traces of pain every second someone calls mentions your name. I wanna be happy for you your dreams are coming true but all I feel is saddness for what you left me to do. 

I find myself sad for what seems like no reason when I'm only trying to not show my true feelings. I'm heartbroken. 

My Wedding day

I dreamed it was my wedding day and the ccongregation was packed.  We had it at park ave because it was the largest I asume but that was all wrong. Wyy would I when I haven't even desiredto be there in years?   I was marrying whom. Thought I wanted to marry too but even that felt wrong. Was I marrying 2b married? Was I marrying the right person? Was imarrying for the right reasons? Was I sealing my fate and gaurenteeing unhappy?  Where was my father? I had done everything in such a rush, he wasn't given time to get here.  Why wasn't he walking me down the isle?  There was an awards cermeony for t&f fr cj n the middle and I was so pissed, I walked out. I took backseat, on my wedding day in the middle right after the part where they ask if there is anyone who doesn't feel these two should wed and I held. My head in silence.  Whenthe awards ceremony began I ran in the bathrrom and I cried. Cried for confusion cried fr me not knowing what to do next.  My daughter came to see about me no. One else.  When I stepped out, I saw Sir Knight.  It amazed me because even he was wearin shays and said this us a time of self reflection... I ran back inside the restroom asking how could I call off this wedding when it had gotten so far?   Then, I realized, I hadn't seen the groom. He hadn't checked on me.  More tears, and my hair was nappy not pretty for a wedding day.  I didn't feel beautiful. Just tears and saddness.  What a nightmare! Biggest day of your dreams, and I dreamt up, this nightmare

Birthday 2012

Looks like im living in someone elses dreamms this year