hurting over and over

i try not to make this blog sound all miserable but today was another one of those days where he didnt help but hurt.  i read his page and what like really are you really making yourself such a victim?  i dont trust his family. they are all either on drugs or have records.  thats not where i -wan-t my child to spend time without me to monitor what goes on.  i mean if he doesnt see anything wrong with his family or what they do then he wont mind the baby doing what they do or living like they do.  i mind.  i know and see how wrong it truely is. i vent.  i vent because we just dont talk.  i want peace he wants a few pieces. i try to reason he gets angry at the drop of the dime.  i dont know if he is as violent as he portrays.  i dont know anymore. just want some peace...

i watch the use of religion as a crutch.  God is just and he watches us all so im positive we both will go with what we know but i know HE will serve us as we deserve. 

How to Love, Me

i hate to sound bitter or even ungrateful. i hate to sound angry or even to seem as if ive lost hope...but man sometimes i wonder if i should or have.  i hate that at midnight i really didnt know where to go instead i just relaxed at home sleeping maybe even snoreing...i dont know.  i followed my heart, hoping it would lead me to my dreams instead i have a list of individuals who turned out to not be who they seemed.

i could list the names from a to z but please that wouldnt make any since.  instead i move forward in hopes of dreams opened that i must have missed.  i love him and only him he loves me too but in the end love just isnt enough to make it do what it do. 

he loves me i care for him true but thats not enough for me to hang up the me for two.  im just me. little young me. wishing i could be more than just me sometimes but not at the sacrifice of who i am.  i dont want to have to hold my tongue because you dont understand the words that i say.  i dont want to be angry coming home because you had a bad day.  i dont want to have to argue to get emotion out of you. i dont want to have to cry just to get arms wrapped around me from my boo.

i want more. i want so much more. i want love i want real love i want to open my Bible and read the comparisons and be like - i got that - i have that- someone loves me just that much.  i dont want pride to run his blood or controll his actions.  i know pride is necessary but dang its also not okay. 

i want to just know that he loves me from the look in his eyes know that he loves me without having to open my thighs.  i want to feel the intimacy of someone wanting to get to know me.  not for what i have but for who i am you know  ... why i am me.

love takes time but healing takes even longer and best believe my days havent been easy and my nights even harder.  i miss my once was, but not enough to keep me from the to be continued...instead im open to someone else writing the Future Menu...

My Birthday

is quickly approaching.  man as i prepare for another year im just like wow. 2010 was nice. i had laughs some crazy and good times. but as 2011 ushers in, its still just me and my babies.  Dont get it twisted that is a Blessing from Jesus in itself, so im grateful.  But i thought to myself, what do I want for this birthday?

I want to be picked up in a limo - with no place to go.  I want him to have a rose in between his teeth and dressed fly just for little ole ME.  I want to go to a nice place where he and i can have a quiet meal and then dance slow dance... not grind but dance. 

I want that.  Id like the doors opened. - all of em my door on the passengers side -yes i dont want to have to make a descion harder than what do i want to drink... like some serious effort placed into planning an evening for me. 

Its good to laugh too.  It would be even nice to go to a comedy club at my fav spot -- the Improv or something...im not sure.  Birthdays show you are Happy someone was born...and Id like to enjoy that. 

Not to say I have never had any of the above in the past - im just saying the past is over I want to move forward with this special treatment in the future. 

Is that too much to ask? 

im just saying...