her

I thought about her tonight. Imagined what it must be like knowinf in your gut he is not faithful, desires someone other. I didnt question the whys to staying or the woes of leaving. I imagined the insecurities of wondering why and recognizing the freedom he has. Her. Of all the surface glows...i would.not want the underlining painful woes that come with being her.

toxic

When did our love become so toxic? When the words of your mouth spit eether? Or the thoughts of my own lava flows with the ending results silencing you? 

Toxic.  The pain the hurt the years the hours the days...when did the love get so toxic to where I can not see the love at all? 

I can not tell if your actions are habits...or habits are actions?  Not confused just toxic...thoughts....glances..no touches..comforts.. just space between us...filled with toxicity.  

I do not know how to get through anymore.  Just anger in the way.

In my heart is you.  In my eyes are your eyes. In my hands are sketches of memories where your hands could be. Arms use to.  Now...just as cold as the original ice age.

Watching you sleep next to me unaware of anything not a care....

Just isnt fair.

Chapter 2021

 My where has the time gone?  Maybe just maybe... I left too.

Requirements 

Time Jump

      The imagery of my daughter lying, hurting, in pain.  Nothing I could do, but wait for the doctor to continue to try to bring her back to health.  In the moment, 196 felt like a firing range, while being suffocated as on lookers watch and laugh.  Twenty two years of protection details from dances, play dates, activities all were pointless as the very pressure of her blood worked against her.  Prayer texts out...check.  My own prayers lifted, check check. Speek with those in charge.. all check boxes covered, yet I felt empty and powerless.  

       I do not know when the tables turned but they did. Days passed, with no change.   

In the moment, it was all that it could be. In the moment, so was I.

The Words Unsaid were the Loudest

Learning more and more the importance of leaning on the Lord i stead of self, hearing His words instead of my own. 

Life, while we live, is always teaching lessons.

The constant in life, is change. 

The teacher really is not what you expect.   The Lord, through the tears you do not cry, or the formed words not said, speaks loudest, when you ...do not.

I did not know my own strength, until I realized it is nothing if not dependent solely on the Lord Jesus Christ.

Making the days not necessarily brightest but steps definitely ordered with the comfort of knowing where to is lead by Him.

I did not prove any points or finish any thoughts. This time, I held my peace, cried on the inside and let the comfort come from the Lord.

E.S.R.

writing again

It tskes life to get me writing again.  Today i said bye to my uncle and saw who has always been remembered as my very first friend.  I will never understand where death comes and how it goes to level after level of surprising us each time even when we say outloud that eventually it comes for us all?  A piece of me died again.  I wanted to reach out and hug my friend.  I saw her eyes and felt so proud.  Woman Boss Mother Executive Sibling Friend...honestly she is all the Ohs I am not and I liked it.  It gives me more to reach for while realizing the reality it isn't attainable for me.  

Her ever after has been a long time coming.  Thats a way to see the circle complete.  I am writing again. The desire was so strong to reach out to my once only friend.  Not a day didnt pass where I didnt compare something to what we did together even in the hours where we lived most apart.  And that is more speaking freely from my heart.

Which...is why I  am writing again.  Today I said bye to my Uncle.  Today I locked eyes yet not embraced touched held nothing... examples of not being there to my once first and best friend.

Hour

At times I scare myself.  Knowing tje difference a minute makes.  It is no wonder all that can go down in an hour.  You can never get it back nor do you always want to.  If only you knew how much this hour changes without you.