Apparently

I want him to be in an active relationship with Christ.   Active in worship.  Active in service.   Active in soul searching and leading the family to Him.  I want him to love me . Not in a cute way b u t a relationship that Christ is pleased with and uses us to uplift and direct others.   I want him to be in tuned with me.  He ale to feel my pain and I his.  Our missing one another to be real.  I don't want to desire other friends because I have my mate my lover my husband and friend.  Although the times will come where I wish to laugh with the gir l so I can rest assured because I have him to return home to.  Uplifting one another in all our activities.  

I don't want it to be a illusion how I feel for you.  I want the reality to be just that it's real the life we live and encouraging through experience.   I want him to date me. Take me  v out bowling movies dinner skating ND dancing.   I want him to feel like it's only us in the room .  I want us to worship as on2. Eager to attend service to serve eagerly.   I want our children to be embraced and loved so much you can't question what life ws like before him. 

I want him to be able to strong communication,  excellent presence when he steps in the room.   I want him to love me not fight me. I want to be Made a big deal of.   always. My birthday.  Holidays conscious of me and my desires to please.  I want us to pry together and apart as God is the true trinity.   Belt of truth, brestplAte of righteousness. Stand for one Lord, Church, One. I  want that.

Part 1

Let the Time Rest

I do tire of watching my trust violated.  The goal is to do better rather than get better.  I notice I pity those with so much pain they only know to inflict on others.  So much destruction so much ache to destroy and so blind to see what they do. 

Then it is those too weak to deal.  They look for an outlet in others pain.  They don't want to know the truth. 

In Public

I have gotten so use to my private life,  I realize I don't know what public feels like.

Brown Eyes

I wish I didn't love those eyes.  Then I wouldn't avoid them to resist from crying.  If you understand the love the peace all I wanted for you. I can't believe how easy it was to fall when I told myself time again that it wouldn't be me falling and living in a nightmare. But Lord knows that I am in the middle of the battle of my life.  My life is dramatic bug my heart is speaking so much truth.  I have prayed I gave my all I want to give more but i am smart enough to stop when it isn't reciprocated.

The Transition

The transition from his wife to be to his mistress to th level where i dont see him at all is not working the best for my heart although my inside is doing well.  he hugged me and it felt like he put a little extra strengthin it as he held on while i pulled back  .  almost as if he just doesnt understand that the mear touch makes me want to cry .  sigh.  love is such a lie.  it gives such a false since of security . for once just once it would have been nice had the love been about me.  just me. 

Waisted

i feel like im waisting time in a world wind of never ending pain.  i think back on the earlier year when starting over was as easy as tying my shoe.   then i look at where i am  now and wonder when  did i decide to just ... stay...

it is not where i want when i see potential for so much more.  what will it take?  im beyound lost.  its more of a pacifier.  crying on the inside is not enough anymore, instead i  fear the pains are staarting up the exterior surfaces to expose all to the world.

living for God has taken away sinful ways and renewed my thoughts.  i still battle sadness occasionally as i see the no in all the feelings where yes should or use to be.

facing another birthday and i am grateful.  i just wish i knew that i would be the wife to the husband who will cherish me as i would him, and our family not well this.

Broken

If I'm honest with myself, my heart is so broken. It's so many events I can't give credit to one.  I watched tonight and I didn't realize the extent to my heart being broken.  I s purple who have been this way always and needed each other for the way of life to continue.  For her she was his world and he treated her as such.  However he needed get to help encourage his validity.  I saw them and I couldn't get angry because or hurt.  I saw that I am open and up front and that that was not what they were ready for.  They are honest amongst their circle of life but unable to grow beyond that leaving room for gossip.  Part of me wanted to rock it all and throw the infidelities to the wind but realized it probably wouldn't matter.  They need the illusions so much they wouldn't let go even with the truth in front of them.

No I didn't a see perfection on my step. I saw the pain and confusion as to why my world spends the way it does.  How all the piece was not peaceful.  How pain was a lie because suffering was so relative.  The reality is worse then assn illusion could ever be.  I can see through it and still steady stay.  That shows me the fear to let go Is always forced and into a much painful state.  That's probably the only way I would let go,  that I'm trapped by my own insights.  That insanity and insecurity run together. 

That when it's all said and done it really is just me.