Maybe It's Me

I wanted to ask him why he chose me.  I wanted to know how I made it so easy.   Was it my smile? Did I stare too long?  Was it my eyes ? Did they linger an invite him in?  Where is it in my heart that Said it was okay to share?  I am not sure how but I want to know.  In hopes I don't do it anymore. 

I want to look the other way.  I want to frown instead of smile.  Even ignore the eye contact in hopes the message is made clear.   I am not interested in pain.  Nor am I wanting to go through any of this again.   I don't want to chance my own heart to be broken.  I don't to give it way again to someone who do not want to be used, nor do I want to grant permission for someone to think it's okay open season on someone like me.

Whatever that means.  

I want to ask him but my words do not come when he Is right in front of me.  I almost think I am pitiful as I feel a false since of peace from his presence. 

Apparently

I want him to be in an active relationship with Christ.   Active in worship.  Active in service.   Active in soul searching and leading the family to Him.  I want him to love me . Not in a cute way b u t a relationship that Christ is pleased with and uses us to uplift and direct others.   I want him to be in tuned with me.  He ale to feel my pain and I his.  Our missing one another to be real.  I don't want to desire other friends because I have my mate my lover my husband and friend.  Although the times will come where I wish to laugh with the gir l so I can rest assured because I have him to return home to.  Uplifting one another in all our activities.  

I don't want it to be a illusion how I feel for you.  I want the reality to be just that it's real the life we live and encouraging through experience.   I want him to date me. Take me  v out bowling movies dinner skating ND dancing.   I want him to feel like it's only us in the room .  I want us to worship as on2. Eager to attend service to serve eagerly.   I want our children to be embraced and loved so much you can't question what life ws like before him. 

I want him to be able to strong communication,  excellent presence when he steps in the room.   I want him to love me not fight me. I want to be Made a big deal of.   always. My birthday.  Holidays conscious of me and my desires to please.  I want us to pry together and apart as God is the true trinity.   Belt of truth, brestplAte of righteousness. Stand for one Lord, Church, One. I  want that.

Part 1

Let the Time Rest

I do tire of watching my trust violated.  The goal is to do better rather than get better.  I notice I pity those with so much pain they only know to inflict on others.  So much destruction so much ache to destroy and so blind to see what they do. 

Then it is those too weak to deal.  They look for an outlet in others pain.  They don't want to know the truth. 

In Public

I have gotten so use to my private life,  I realize I don't know what public feels like.

Brown Eyes

I wish I didn't love those eyes.  Then I wouldn't avoid them to resist from crying.  If you understand the love the peace all I wanted for you. I can't believe how easy it was to fall when I told myself time again that it wouldn't be me falling and living in a nightmare. But Lord knows that I am in the middle of the battle of my life.  My life is dramatic bug my heart is speaking so much truth.  I have prayed I gave my all I want to give more but i am smart enough to stop when it isn't reciprocated.

The Transition

The transition from his wife to be to his mistress to th level where i dont see him at all is not working the best for my heart although my inside is doing well.  he hugged me and it felt like he put a little extra strengthin it as he held on while i pulled back  .  almost as if he just doesnt understand that the mear touch makes me want to cry .  sigh.  love is such a lie.  it gives such a false since of security . for once just once it would have been nice had the love been about me.  just me. 

Waisted

i feel like im waisting time in a world wind of never ending pain.  i think back on the earlier year when starting over was as easy as tying my shoe.   then i look at where i am  now and wonder when  did i decide to just ... stay...

it is not where i want when i see potential for so much more.  what will it take?  im beyound lost.  its more of a pacifier.  crying on the inside is not enough anymore, instead i  fear the pains are staarting up the exterior surfaces to expose all to the world.

living for God has taken away sinful ways and renewed my thoughts.  i still battle sadness occasionally as i see the no in all the feelings where yes should or use to be.

facing another birthday and i am grateful.  i just wish i knew that i would be the wife to the husband who will cherish me as i would him, and our family not well this.