her

I thought about her tonight. Imagined what it must be like knowinf in your gut he is not faithful, desires someone other. I didnt question the whys to staying or the woes of leaving. I imagined the insecurities of wondering why and recognizing the freedom he has. Her. Of all the surface glows...i would.not want the underlining painful woes that come with being her.

toxic

When did our love become so toxic? When the words of your mouth spit eether? Or the thoughts of my own lava flows with the ending results silencing you? 

Toxic.  The pain the hurt the years the hours the days...when did the love get so toxic to where I can not see the love at all? 

I can not tell if your actions are habits...or habits are actions?  Not confused just toxic...thoughts....glances..no touches..comforts.. just space between us...filled with toxicity.  

I do not know how to get through anymore.  Just anger in the way.

In my heart is you.  In my eyes are your eyes. In my hands are sketches of memories where your hands could be. Arms use to.  Now...just as cold as the original ice age.

Watching you sleep next to me unaware of anything not a care....

Just isnt fair.

Chapter 2021

 My where has the time gone?  Maybe just maybe... I left too.

Requirements 

Time Jump

      The imagery of my daughter lying, hurting, in pain.  Nothing I could do, but wait for the doctor to continue to try to bring her back to health.  In the moment, 196 felt like a firing range, while being suffocated as on lookers watch and laugh.  Twenty two years of protection details from dances, play dates, activities all were pointless as the very pressure of her blood worked against her.  Prayer texts out...check.  My own prayers lifted, check check. Speek with those in charge.. all check boxes covered, yet I felt empty and powerless.  

       I do not know when the tables turned but they did. Days passed, with no change.   

In the moment, it was all that it could be. In the moment, so was I.

The Words Unsaid were the Loudest

Learning more and more the importance of leaning on the Lord i stead of self, hearing His words instead of my own. 

Life, while we live, is always teaching lessons.

The constant in life, is change. 

The teacher really is not what you expect.   The Lord, through the tears you do not cry, or the formed words not said, speaks loudest, when you ...do not.

I did not know my own strength, until I realized it is nothing if not dependent solely on the Lord Jesus Christ.

Making the days not necessarily brightest but steps definitely ordered with the comfort of knowing where to is lead by Him.

I did not prove any points or finish any thoughts. This time, I held my peace, cried on the inside and let the comfort come from the Lord.

E.S.R.

writing again

It tskes life to get me writing again.  Today i said bye to my uncle and saw who has always been remembered as my very first friend.  I will never understand where death comes and how it goes to level after level of surprising us each time even when we say outloud that eventually it comes for us all?  A piece of me died again.  I wanted to reach out and hug my friend.  I saw her eyes and felt so proud.  Woman Boss Mother Executive Sibling Friend...honestly she is all the Ohs I am not and I liked it.  It gives me more to reach for while realizing the reality it isn't attainable for me.  

Her ever after has been a long time coming.  Thats a way to see the circle complete.  I am writing again. The desire was so strong to reach out to my once only friend.  Not a day didnt pass where I didnt compare something to what we did together even in the hours where we lived most apart.  And that is more speaking freely from my heart.

Which...is why I  am writing again.  Today I said bye to my Uncle.  Today I locked eyes yet not embraced touched held nothing... examples of not being there to my once first and best friend.

Hour

At times I scare myself.  Knowing tje difference a minute makes.  It is no wonder all that can go down in an hour.  You can never get it back nor do you always want to.  If only you knew how much this hour changes without you. 

Lets Revisit

All of it the left of the past that showed me just how far fetched and full of it you are.  Lets talk about the lying deceit disloyalty you created taking the secrets of my soul and placing them on display.  Lets hash it out.  No more speaking in circles letting it all hang out as I shout lets discuss this. You are the reason why I am so pissed.  You set things up on a standard you dont follow. How about that?  When your frustration overturns yourself and time and still you pretend lke ýou are in the clear as you lie to yourself...i realize i am lying too.

Only in Movies

Does happily ever after exist.  Ive seen several versions and honey this anit it.

High in the castle I see the King.  Angry and bitter as also the Ex Queen. Time has not been kind nor healed all the wounds.  Sad as I say it, i can only bare witness to slanted views. 

The Prince is broken from years of breaking. He is not able to let go of the wrong for him fair maiden.  He tosses and turns to where he is empty and hallow and only slips to temporary peace when dreams of ending it are present.

The villains are disguised as friends so foe is hard to tell while everything else keeps on as if nothing is there to tell.

Only in movies is there a happy ending.  In reality you dont get to do so.  You must keep on living.

Fly Away

From my own thoughts hurts pains confusions disappointments irritations insecurities...
Impurities
Lord I will fly away from the lo loneliness and regret
As My own body forgets all the things it has kept and all the thoughts undelt with
I will fly away from the early mornings drinks of emptiness
Eyes crying for soul seeing peace seeking clarity for me to feel again
Oh Glory I will fly away
Not yet instead I have nothing left but the truth felt of me needing longing to be more than a failing hinderment to the Kingdom
What will it take for me to feel one with Him again? To feel the okay and know this really is the right way as I glide into the next day?
Hear my cries oh Father I'm not ready to die Heal me Lord inside outside rightside Heartside Left...Father in Heaven I am beside myself in it all knowing I can not heal without You saying it is To Be Done
Not a joke I dont play with you I know your power is greater than I could ever fathom
Acknowledged Lord I acknowledge accept seek to aquire you Lord and all you want in this vessel that longs to ...fly

Almost Impossible to Understand

I wonder if anyone will ever hear the songs in my heart.  Or even IF humans can understand how much God loves us. If we did,  we wouldn't doubt as we do.  Sin as free or even worry as we do.   I use to tru to understand but know I'm not capable.  I need the holy spirit to intervene where i am ignorant.   Cover where i am open and comfort where i am vulnerable.

My heart constantly sings . .. ...but the beat cant be heard by the average ear. 

Worth so much moe

The loovvveee
Use to be . Now it is like pulling teeth.  You can't express what you can't feel.  You can't feel what you can't forgive . 

Sometimes

I want to quit too.  I want to say fuck it all I am over this shit and you too.  I am through with the disrespect.  Taking care of all this shit too. Frustrated with the bills and crap I suffer through.  Taking care of this taking care of that why must I deal with that too?  You the only one in your feelings? Do mine not count? Does my title make me not important? Am I supposed to take everything you push out? Just because you trying to figure shit out? What point did I become the target for residential mess? At what moment did you decide i should take all the stress?

Newsflash a day ago a night away and what do you know? I am over all this let me get to the door.  Hurt goes many ways and you should know just because its your turn doesnt mean its okay to go at my throat.  

Im tired too. Sometimes it is my heart that you break in two.   Three  four  five six seven pieces.  I cry no one even hear my distress.  You feel alone? How do you think I feel? Over and over again rejected when my love is past real? Im hurting too.  You need to know someone else is affected by what you thought affected just you.

Thoughts

Oh How I WONDER If
My desires well ever be fully controlled. I see him,  and desire wyd at he represents.   My memories are the deep pleasures fulfilled time and time again.   I don't have regrets or curiosity anymore from him.  Just wonder if my desire will ever be over or if it's mutual.  I met hid eyes as he looks when I do but I don't push any envelopes as to where to go with those eyes. 

I wonder if the last time was the last time or if the next time if the last time.  Or if just time will clear out my concern wholly.   I spend little but enough time with him on my mind.   Not lusting just wondering about him.   Going to have to give myself a new project with healthy thoughts as Smokey just isn't so.

Worse than A Brokenheart

Is broken trust.  I watched with my eyes his wanting but decision being made to no longer trust me.  If these were my confessions, I can't blame him nor would I blame me.  I reminded him that he told me first to go find what I wanted regardless of how many times I told him he was it.  Only to come back ... would it be different?  Would he believe he is enough?  I can't change anything that was.. nor can I say what will be.  I can only admit that I am me.

I am told I am beautiful,  sexy.  I know I am intelligent.  I have been told that I am crazy.  That's true.  I am better happy as unhappy I am unstable in relationships. I don't do well with the word no.  Like if I want it, the answer should always be yes unless it hurts me. I love hard, I can care less, and I am sure to leave you without a dull moment. I make mistakes and I forgive you for yours. Just don't treat my heart like a mistake and misuse it.  I am intelligent but dangerous because I choose then face the consequences but I choose me first regardless whom is affected.  Might call me selfish but I call me sure. 

I didn't mean to hurt him I was just tired of him neglecting and hurting me.  I see there are worse things than falling away from love there are the falling so deep in tormoil that you refuse to come out refuse to trust unharden your heart. Trust is the foundation of everything.   Admitting now that it's gone, it's gone.   That means unless it is regained nothing can be gained. 

Time,is what we don't have.

The Mood

I'm in a mood tonight. Can't quite put my fingers on it for I don't understand it right.  I think it's for God to help me find my way back.  I am lost and making choices that are not to my benefit dealing with emotions that are not explainable to my heart and entering a world that I just don't understand.  I'm in the mood to ask God to forgive me.  For my pride anger and doubt o f Him protecting me.  I feel the pain perhaps my surgery or the anxiety now that I realize I am far from free. 

The essence of my being revolves around peace but the strength comes from me able to fly and flap my wings. Hold me Lord please heal me too.  There is so much going on inside me father sp much I don't know what to do.  Hold me Lord I need you right now.  Please Father I Don't Want To FAIL You now.  My aches my pains all are because of your preparation of me for something beyond me I believe.   It hurts Lord.

Falling was Easy

I realize I'm not angry.  I am hurrying to get past the pain.  It's not working because I'm not committed to letting go.   The anticipating of the events where we are all, gives me anxiety.  Maybe it's control that I'm Lakin but inside I feel my pride heavy any cracking. 

Not even my prayers are loud enough for me to say clearly. I just hope that the Lord is carrying me.  It's my time that has been waisted because of the lack of love the lack of respect...
 
I must admit that I miss you.  Big gap without you.

He asked Me

What is it he see in my eyes? He said it was pain emotional that he could see.  He said it was hurt that he could see and wanted to know what was going on with me.  I didn't know what to say as my heart could only cry, I wanted to say I miss you and feel I am no longer on one accord.  I miss you and the time in our hearts that we shared. It was like I was holding  conversation with my soul as it spoke in the mirror.  I haven't had the fun you've hi have not laughed the way I use to.  I have not felt the freedom I once felt nor the laughter my soul felt.   The games were always fun when played together the stars were always burning brighter.   Even the traffic flowed by faster. 

Makes me wonder how will I know when it is real when this time around i was sure it was time.  I was sure It was me that would finally be with the one I wanted him wanting me the same.  We sat and we talked for quite a  while.  Caught up on old times what's new and the same in our lives.  It was the words unspoken that spoke the loudest the parts that were heard.  You did not tell me she was with you last night you didn't tell me you had no intention of protecting my heart from your non rights.  You didn't tell me that you missed me too or that things between us would one day be like they use to.  You didn't tell me we make love again as before.

Not so much as the love in the bedroom on the couch or table. At the beach on the pew or movie theater.  Not the floor the carpet the hotel the shore.  It was the love we made in our actions in our words in our dates.  I could make love by holding your eyes holding your smile you shared your time you shared your soul.you looked to me for the choices to be made.  You looked to me to get you through the days.  I miss that love we made.  I miss those nights we shared.  I miss the times in our selves that no one else shares.  We had eachother.

He asked me what was it that he sees in my eyes I couldn't tell him it was the hurt of not having him with me.  I couldn't tell him I didn't know how to get over him I didn't tell him things just aren't the same because there is no him ND me.

Maybe It's Me

I wanted to ask him why he chose me.  I wanted to know how I made it so easy.   Was it my smile? Did I stare too long?  Was it my eyes ? Did they linger an invite him in?  Where is it in my heart that Said it was okay to share?  I am not sure how but I want to know.  In hopes I don't do it anymore. 

I want to look the other way.  I want to frown instead of smile.  Even ignore the eye contact in hopes the message is made clear.   I am not interested in pain.  Nor am I wanting to go through any of this again.   I don't want to chance my own heart to be broken.  I don't to give it way again to someone who do not want to be used, nor do I want to grant permission for someone to think it's okay open season on someone like me.

Whatever that means.  

I want to ask him but my words do not come when he Is right in front of me.  I almost think I am pitiful as I feel a false since of peace from his presence. 

Apparently

I want him to be in an active relationship with Christ.   Active in worship.  Active in service.   Active in soul searching and leading the family to Him.  I want him to love me . Not in a cute way b u t a relationship that Christ is pleased with and uses us to uplift and direct others.   I want him to be in tuned with me.  He ale to feel my pain and I his.  Our missing one another to be real.  I don't want to desire other friends because I have my mate my lover my husband and friend.  Although the times will come where I wish to laugh with the gir l so I can rest assured because I have him to return home to.  Uplifting one another in all our activities.  

I don't want it to be a illusion how I feel for you.  I want the reality to be just that it's real the life we live and encouraging through experience.   I want him to date me. Take me  v out bowling movies dinner skating ND dancing.   I want him to feel like it's only us in the room .  I want us to worship as on2. Eager to attend service to serve eagerly.   I want our children to be embraced and loved so much you can't question what life ws like before him. 

I want him to be able to strong communication,  excellent presence when he steps in the room.   I want him to love me not fight me. I want to be Made a big deal of.   always. My birthday.  Holidays conscious of me and my desires to please.  I want us to pry together and apart as God is the true trinity.   Belt of truth, brestplAte of righteousness. Stand for one Lord, Church, One. I  want that.

Part 1