Chapter 2021

 My where has the time gone?  Maybe just maybe... I left too.

Requirements 

Time Jump

      The imagery of my daughter lying, hurting, in pain.  Nothing I could do, but wait for the doctor to continue to try to bring her back to health.  In the moment, 196 felt like a firing range, while being suffocated as on lookers watch and laugh.  Twenty two years of protection details from dances, play dates, activities all were pointless as the very pressure of her blood worked against her.  Prayer texts out...check.  My own prayers lifted, check check. Speek with those in charge.. all check boxes covered, yet I felt empty and powerless.  

       I do not know when the tables turned but they did. Days passed, with no change.   

In the moment, it was all that it could be. In the moment, so was I.

The Words Unsaid were the Loudest

Learning more and more the importance of leaning on the Lord i stead of self, hearing His words instead of my own. 

Life, while we live, is always teaching lessons.

The constant in life, is change. 

The teacher really is not what you expect.   The Lord, through the tears you do not cry, or the formed words not said, speaks loudest, when you ...do not.

I did not know my own strength, until I realized it is nothing if not dependent solely on the Lord Jesus Christ.

Making the days not necessarily brightest but steps definitely ordered with the comfort of knowing where to is lead by Him.

I did not prove any points or finish any thoughts. This time, I held my peace, cried on the inside and let the comfort come from the Lord.

E.S.R.

writing again

It tskes life to get me writing again.  Today i said bye to my uncle and saw who has always been remembered as my very first friend.  I will never understand where death comes and how it goes to level after level of surprising us each time even when we say outloud that eventually it comes for us all?  A piece of me died again.  I wanted to reach out and hug my friend.  I saw her eyes and felt so proud.  Woman Boss Mother Executive Sibling Friend...honestly she is all the Ohs I am not and I liked it.  It gives me more to reach for while realizing the reality it isn't attainable for me.  

Her ever after has been a long time coming.  Thats a way to see the circle complete.  I am writing again. The desire was so strong to reach out to my once only friend.  Not a day didnt pass where I didnt compare something to what we did together even in the hours where we lived most apart.  And that is more speaking freely from my heart.

Which...is why I  am writing again.  Today I said bye to my Uncle.  Today I locked eyes yet not embraced touched held nothing... examples of not being there to my once first and best friend.

Hour

At times I scare myself.  Knowing tje difference a minute makes.  It is no wonder all that can go down in an hour.  You can never get it back nor do you always want to.  If only you knew how much this hour changes without you. 

Lets Revisit

All of it the left of the past that showed me just how far fetched and full of it you are.  Lets talk about the lying deceit disloyalty you created taking the secrets of my soul and placing them on display.  Lets hash it out.  No more speaking in circles letting it all hang out as I shout lets discuss this. You are the reason why I am so pissed.  You set things up on a standard you dont follow. How about that?  When your frustration overturns yourself and time and still you pretend lke ýou are in the clear as you lie to yourself...i realize i am lying too.

Only in Movies

Does happily ever after exist.  Ive seen several versions and honey this anit it.

High in the castle I see the King.  Angry and bitter as also the Ex Queen. Time has not been kind nor healed all the wounds.  Sad as I say it, i can only bare witness to slanted views. 

The Prince is broken from years of breaking. He is not able to let go of the wrong for him fair maiden.  He tosses and turns to where he is empty and hallow and only slips to temporary peace when dreams of ending it are present.

The villains are disguised as friends so foe is hard to tell while everything else keeps on as if nothing is there to tell.

Only in movies is there a happy ending.  In reality you dont get to do so.  You must keep on living.