Sometimes

I want to quit too.  I want to say fuck it all I am over this shit and you too.  I am through with the disrespect.  Taking care of all this shit too. Frustrated with the bills and crap I suffer through.  Taking care of this taking care of that why must I deal with that too?  You the only one in your feelings? Do mine not count? Does my title make me not important? Am I supposed to take everything you push out? Just because you trying to figure shit out? What point did I become the target for residential mess? At what moment did you decide i should take all the stress?

Newsflash a day ago a night away and what do you know? I am over all this let me get to the door.  Hurt goes many ways and you should know just because its your turn doesnt mean its okay to go at my throat.  

Im tired too. Sometimes it is my heart that you break in two.   Three  four  five six seven pieces.  I cry no one even hear my distress.  You feel alone? How do you think I feel? Over and over again rejected when my love is past real? Im hurting too.  You need to know someone else is affected by what you thought affected just you.

Thoughts

Oh How I WONDER If
My desires well ever be fully controlled. I see him,  and desire wyd at he represents.   My memories are the deep pleasures fulfilled time and time again.   I don't have regrets or curiosity anymore from him.  Just wonder if my desire will ever be over or if it's mutual.  I met hid eyes as he looks when I do but I don't push any envelopes as to where to go with those eyes. 

I wonder if the last time was the last time or if the next time if the last time.  Or if just time will clear out my concern wholly.   I spend little but enough time with him on my mind.   Not lusting just wondering about him.   Going to have to give myself a new project with healthy thoughts as Smokey just isn't so.

Worse than A Brokenheart

Is broken trust.  I watched with my eyes his wanting but decision being made to no longer trust me.  If these were my confessions, I can't blame him nor would I blame me.  I reminded him that he told me first to go find what I wanted regardless of how many times I told him he was it.  Only to come back ... would it be different?  Would he believe he is enough?  I can't change anything that was.. nor can I say what will be.  I can only admit that I am me.

I am told I am beautiful,  sexy.  I know I am intelligent.  I have been told that I am crazy.  That's true.  I am better happy as unhappy I am unstable in relationships. I don't do well with the word no.  Like if I want it, the answer should always be yes unless it hurts me. I love hard, I can care less, and I am sure to leave you without a dull moment. I make mistakes and I forgive you for yours. Just don't treat my heart like a mistake and misuse it.  I am intelligent but dangerous because I choose then face the consequences but I choose me first regardless whom is affected.  Might call me selfish but I call me sure. 

I didn't mean to hurt him I was just tired of him neglecting and hurting me.  I see there are worse things than falling away from love there are the falling so deep in tormoil that you refuse to come out refuse to trust unharden your heart. Trust is the foundation of everything.   Admitting now that it's gone, it's gone.   That means unless it is regained nothing can be gained. 

Time,is what we don't have.

The Mood

I'm in a mood tonight. Can't quite put my fingers on it for I don't understand it right.  I think it's for God to help me find my way back.  I am lost and making choices that are not to my benefit dealing with emotions that are not explainable to my heart and entering a world that I just don't understand.  I'm in the mood to ask God to forgive me.  For my pride anger and doubt o f Him protecting me.  I feel the pain perhaps my surgery or the anxiety now that I realize I am far from free. 

The essence of my being revolves around peace but the strength comes from me able to fly and flap my wings. Hold me Lord please heal me too.  There is so much going on inside me father sp much I don't know what to do.  Hold me Lord I need you right now.  Please Father I Don't Want To FAIL You now.  My aches my pains all are because of your preparation of me for something beyond me I believe.   It hurts Lord.

Falling was Easy

I realize I'm not angry.  I am hurrying to get past the pain.  It's not working because I'm not committed to letting go.   The anticipating of the events where we are all, gives me anxiety.  Maybe it's control that I'm Lakin but inside I feel my pride heavy any cracking. 

Not even my prayers are loud enough for me to say clearly. I just hope that the Lord is carrying me.  It's my time that has been waisted because of the lack of love the lack of respect...
 
I must admit that I miss you.  Big gap without you.

He asked Me

What is it he see in my eyes? He said it was pain emotional that he could see.  He said it was hurt that he could see and wanted to know what was going on with me.  I didn't know what to say as my heart could only cry, I wanted to say I miss you and feel I am no longer on one accord.  I miss you and the time in our hearts that we shared. It was like I was holding  conversation with my soul as it spoke in the mirror.  I haven't had the fun you've hi have not laughed the way I use to.  I have not felt the freedom I once felt nor the laughter my soul felt.   The games were always fun when played together the stars were always burning brighter.   Even the traffic flowed by faster. 

Makes me wonder how will I know when it is real when this time around i was sure it was time.  I was sure It was me that would finally be with the one I wanted him wanting me the same.  We sat and we talked for quite a  while.  Caught up on old times what's new and the same in our lives.  It was the words unspoken that spoke the loudest the parts that were heard.  You did not tell me she was with you last night you didn't tell me you had no intention of protecting my heart from your non rights.  You didn't tell me that you missed me too or that things between us would one day be like they use to.  You didn't tell me we make love again as before.

Not so much as the love in the bedroom on the couch or table. At the beach on the pew or movie theater.  Not the floor the carpet the hotel the shore.  It was the love we made in our actions in our words in our dates.  I could make love by holding your eyes holding your smile you shared your time you shared your soul.you looked to me for the choices to be made.  You looked to me to get you through the days.  I miss that love we made.  I miss those nights we shared.  I miss the times in our selves that no one else shares.  We had eachother.

He asked me what was it that he sees in my eyes I couldn't tell him it was the hurt of not having him with me.  I couldn't tell him I didn't know how to get over him I didn't tell him things just aren't the same because there is no him ND me.

Maybe It's Me

I wanted to ask him why he chose me.  I wanted to know how I made it so easy.   Was it my smile? Did I stare too long?  Was it my eyes ? Did they linger an invite him in?  Where is it in my heart that Said it was okay to share?  I am not sure how but I want to know.  In hopes I don't do it anymore. 

I want to look the other way.  I want to frown instead of smile.  Even ignore the eye contact in hopes the message is made clear.   I am not interested in pain.  Nor am I wanting to go through any of this again.   I don't want to chance my own heart to be broken.  I don't to give it way again to someone who do not want to be used, nor do I want to grant permission for someone to think it's okay open season on someone like me.

Whatever that means.  

I want to ask him but my words do not come when he Is right in front of me.  I almost think I am pitiful as I feel a false since of peace from his presence.