Broken

If I'm honest with myself, my heart is so broken. It's so many events I can't give credit to one.  I watched tonight and I didn't realize the extent to my heart being broken.  I s purple who have been this way always and needed each other for the way of life to continue.  For her she was his world and he treated her as such.  However he needed get to help encourage his validity.  I saw them and I couldn't get angry because or hurt.  I saw that I am open and up front and that that was not what they were ready for.  They are honest amongst their circle of life but unable to grow beyond that leaving room for gossip.  Part of me wanted to rock it all and throw the infidelities to the wind but realized it probably wouldn't matter.  They need the illusions so much they wouldn't let go even with the truth in front of them.

No I didn't a see perfection on my step. I saw the pain and confusion as to why my world spends the way it does.  How all the piece was not peaceful.  How pain was a lie because suffering was so relative.  The reality is worse then assn illusion could ever be.  I can see through it and still steady stay.  That shows me the fear to let go Is always forced and into a much painful state.  That's probably the only way I would let go,  that I'm trapped by my own insights.  That insanity and insecurity run together. 

That when it's all said and done it really is just me.

Happy Birthday yes

I know it just passed.I had to even resist calling you.  It's sad, I work so hard deal with so much and in the end I'm still alone and can't afford the happiness you have freely. 

Success? I don't see it that way. I told you,I value what money can't provide.  And if I can't have happiness, then at least can I have money?

Nope, not even now.

Grieve

I'm told I need counseling and that's most likely true. But what can u say to the counselor besides I miss you?  I get angry when u think of all that you never got to do I get pissed and upset and remain confused.  I don't like not knowing but realize the past is for s reason and I probably should let it rest. Yet the new I try the more issues surface.  I do trust in the Lord but I also want to hear him speak if he is telling me to do I don't want to miss interpret the ink.  Now I'm in a world where everyone seems soo untrue.it doesn't make me feel secure at all because the comfort of you is just gone so through.

I realize now that I've been searching for sometime now for a filled void unsuccessful because you are no conquest that could h misplaced.

I don't have a mother,a friend a confidant.I can't trust,I can't depend I can't...I just can't.  LORD ALMIGHTY I CRY, did you take her for peace?  Was it her time and I'm holding on to her unjust sleep..  n

Friends don't get me mom, no one seems to understand I am however the st you are gone. 

How Long

Have i been liviing inside myself?  Hiding behind wat i know how to do with the fear of what. I do not?

Sticks And Stones

Gosh long road from those. ...so words can hurt.  I use to really believe they could not.  I dont know why proving innocence is so important when its only rep on the line. Shouldnt it be enough u r ok?  Shouldnt it be enough ur home is well?  Shouldnt it be enough u have the needs met?  Why isnt it enough?  It should be.

Each moment is in connection to the next moment and the last moment as if they are the only moment to matter. Yeah, in the moment you through the stones, you didnt expect the heart to shatter like it was a twig of a stick did you?

Crying to Sleep

I celebrated my birthday with friends. Its like i can finally see myseelf as alone as ive been for awhile. It doesnt help though.  Knowing.  It just makes me cry more. He let me know good news in his life today while im crying on the inside.  I mean why me?  Why not me?  Im just another one...another cryer another sad one crying out for help from you Lord.